Me: A Silent Observer
It has been ages that I wrote a blog entry, so I thought I would write one tonight, since I can't seem to be able to sleep. I think, in my opinion two things which I am really good at is, being silent and observing. Silence and observation both require a lot of patience. Do you know what I mean by me being good at being silent? Well of course you don't, so read on.
I will start with writing about observing. I am a silent observer. I make muffled noises, sometimes I don't even let someone feel my presence, but I am there. Getting too dramatic? Fine, what I mean to say is, in some cases, people would not even know how much I know about them. I have this distinct quality that I sense patterns in peoples' behaviours and I can judge what the person will say or going to do. Most of the times, my judgement about the person turns out to be correct. Not only judgement, but something that I thought the person would do or say, they actually do that.
Scientists, Psychologists and Sociologists have done from hundreds of years, what I do too. Just that I am not a well known accomplished expert at it. The first critical part of any research experiment is to observe. To observe your environment, to observe the people in the environment, before making statements about the possible prognosis of the experiment. Observation is key for prognosis.
Look at it this way, our life is one big experiment. Everything about the way we handle this experiment, the way we go about dealing and doing this experiment, will influence the final prognosis or outcome of the experiment. This one big experiment is divided in to mini experiments, because to get the outcome of the experiment, we need to go through different stages and get the outcomes or results of a lot of small scale experiments. With me so far? Life is the big experiment, right? Part of life and how it turns out, depends on how we deal with all the other smaller issues that comes with it. You do know, it is the small issues unresolved, which develop in to bigger problems? So we deal with the smaller aspects of life, we iron out the creases and straighten the wrinkles, to make sure our life goes smoothly and we are happy. That is the outcome that we want from life, which is our big experiment. We want to be happy.
I think after some time, all a person wants is happiness and self satisfaction. Rest are just trivial things. This was a pearl of wisdom, a thought from my mind. This was knowledge and wisdom that I have acquired. How? That is where silence and observation come in. That thought was a product of fruitful observation. I observed that that's what people want! People want to be satisfied and to feel contended. People want to be happy.
However, I have also observed something. There are people that want to be miserable. There are people, who could have happiness, who could have everything that they desire, yet they choose not to. There are people that like to stay miserable and unhappy. Even though they could genuinely be smiling. They could be happy, but they don't want to be happy. Why would someone not want to be happy? Their actions define who they are, more than what they want and don't want to be. Their actions and behaviour tells something. Weaves a story for us to read. Every single person on the planet is interesting in this way. We all have our similar stories and yet, we are different and have something unique to show for ourselves. We all go through some experiences and things in our life, somewhat similar but somewhat distinct to who we are.
Someone has touched my soul. Someone has caused me to be a silent observer. Even though, I could be the one to reach out to them and make them happy. You know what the worst thing is? You silently observe someone do something harmful to themselves, someone walking on the path of destruction, someone being depressed all the time, someone being unhappy, YET you can't do anything to help them. You have no choice but to be silent. You have no say on the matter. Even though you want to make them smile and give them all the happiness they deserve and more. This is the kind of silent, I am talking about.
When you have to be silent and just observe someone, without having any say on things, it is tough. A lot of patience is required. It is not easy to be ignored by someone you care about. It is not easy to just silently observe someone and just WISH they would be happy, instead of doing something to make them happy. Oh and if the person that you are observing was someone who previously made you feel special, then left you hanging, then that is just a lot of pain to deal with. It could be anyone. A loved one, a boy friend or a girl friend, a friend even, anyone who you were getting along with and suddenly all of a sudden, things freeze. From conversation, the outlook changes to hoping. How? If you are not conversing with someone, if you are suddenly a bystander or scene extra instead of a lead role in someone's life, if you are being ignored, you just watch their life as a movie, instead of actually being in it and just 'hope' that they realise that you are standing there, that you exist.
This is why in the beginning of the blog entry I wrote "Sometimes I don't even let someone feel my presence, but I am there." I am a bystander. Silently standing there on the side, patiently observing what is going on around me and what is going on in the life of the people, that I 'want' to observe. Remember, there is a big difference between looking, seeing and observing. Looking is using the eyes and visually registering images in mind, seeing is attempting to decipher those images and observing is attempting to understand the images. So when I observe people that I care about, I try to understand them. I don't only look at them. I don't only gloat on the fact that they are in my life, I actually bother to observe their behaviour and understand what makes them who they are. What gives them their individuality. For what good is it to know someone, if you can't understand them? If the only thing you are going to do is bask in the silence? If the only thing you are going to do is waste time away.
Some thought made me start writing this blog entry and I have been up all night. I have been trying to finish it. I have become an Insomniac now. The night owl. For some reason all my thoughts come out at night. For some reason, people around me motivate me to write. I observe what is going on with them and I get inspired. I get inspired to write about the thoughts that I get, when I observe them. This is what happened when I wrote that Autumn blog entry, about being in London. Someone motivated me to do that.
You know I said life is a big experiment? Well how we go about the experiment, determines who we are and when the results are written down, they are written down in PEN, not pencil. You cannot erase the results. You cannot erase, go back and do the experiment again and change the results. Neither are you given the chance to do the experiment again. One experiment, you have one go at it and one chance to write down accurate results in ink. Etched forever in your mind. Make sure the results you get are what you would want to see and expect from yourself. You won't be given another chance. You are born once, you live ONLY once. No matter how many dramatic dialogues people speak, about being given a new lease on life or being given a second chance. You are not. You are just in fact continuing the BIG EXPERIMENT because something that you did right in that small stage of the experiment went right and you got a result that you wanted and which would take you towards the favourable prognosis of an experiment called LIFE.